I would really love to have a testimony of how my faith has helped me through the last few months. There are so many people who walked through harder times than the one we have been though. I have read their beautiful testimonies of faith. They talk about how they saw God’s hand at every step of the way.
Stories like this always make me cry as I read them. They also make me question my own experience with pain. What if I’ve just walked though a tough time and I don’t see how God is working in my pain?
Fake it until you make it?
If I’m honest, I’m pretty good with words and could borrow from all the clichés and offer up a beautiful story of faith. I was raised in a Christian home. I know all the right words, and could throw in some stories to make it really come alive. However, I feel like there must be more of you out there that feel the same way I do after walking through trials.
I have lost my home… lost the financial security we had… walked this path while struggling with secondary infertility, and then had to say goodbye to the baby we thought was the good thing gifted in the middle of the pain.
Wrestling in the Dark
I have wrestled with doubt and darkness. Doing battle daily with the demons in my head that scream “What will happen next?” Battling the fear that every time I go for a walk with my children or get in the car that maybe they or husband will be taken next. Rocking and weeping in a corner, because NOTHING has turned out the way that I thought it would.
I have sat up in bed more night than one with nightmares sweating and crying in fear. Can we feel all of these things as experience and still have faith?
What is Faith?
I believe the answer is yes, because faith isn’t knowing or seeing how God is actively working in your life today. Faith is knowing that He is the unseen hand, and is working these things out for an eternal purpose. Even if you can’t see that tangibly today.
Faith is the letting go of the way that your own story is written, and allowing God to be the author of not only time and history, but your own story. Knowing that what he has created is beautiful and he can create something beautiful from the ashes we hold in our hands.
Did Faith Come First?
Can we let go of having all the beautiful answers and honestly echo Job in faith saying, “Even if He kills me, I will trust Him!”
There were so many days curled up in my rocker and journaling that those were the only words I had. I would copy it over and over and over into my journal. Questioning if I really believed it to be true?
Honestly, I don’t know if the answer to that question was “yes”. I don’t know if the faith came in writing the words, or if they came through that response.
I hope the years will clarify this time that we have been though. But I can honestly say now that I don’t need them too. Maybe I will only understand when I’ve experienced time in the context of eternity. I know as of today that is enough.